2013.07.24 - Spoony Cats

Just another day in New York City, in this case, means a daring daylight heist. Five men make their way out of the roof of the mall through what appears to be large holes. The backroom of Heinrich's Diamond Emporium (now with seventy five percent less Blood Diamonds!) has been sufficiently raided, the employees gassed, their pockets picked. Most of the jewelry is in sacks although some is worn, leading to the very strange sight of a diamond-encrusted man approximately six feet and five inches tall, wearing a bunny rabbit mask (actually, they're all wearing bunny rabbit masks, in a variety of pastel colors, for this is...the Cottontail Gang!). The leader, Peter, has a tiara and several large diamond pendants hanging around his neck as he leans down and peels the hole they just walked through off of the top of the building, tucking it into his pocket. "Thumper! Check the map! Next stop: the International Cookie Company. I got me a cravin' fer oatmeal!"

Of course, their nefarious plan would have gone better if they had only prepared for one thing: THE TICK!

Okay, and you guys. Fine, THREE THINGS they never prepared for.

For his part, the Tick had just come out of the mall, wearing what appears to be a large sombrero and a fake mustache, all part of his continuing plan to catch and foil the notorious villain known only as the Jumping Bean. He's in the midst of practicing his Spanish for his undercover persona, Juan Valdez Mexicano, "Hola, muchacharinos. Yo soy The Tick...darn it, darn it, that's not right...er, yo so Juan Valdez Mexicano. Donde esta...uh...uh...." he flips through a guide book, "What's the Spanish word for "evil bloodsucking fiendish stereotype"...and why is there a picture of Speedy Gonzalez here?". None of which would've added up to heroic intervention if Tick's keen and ever-ready crime-busting senses had not detected the terrible scream as Buster Bunny, having misadjusted his mask, took a wrong step and plunged off the roof to land in a crumpled heap at Tick's feet, a rain of diamond-encrusted loot landing on his head, "Ay caramba! A CLUE!' the Tick cries.

Vorpal was sitting at the food court when his super-sensitive cat ears picked up on the Cottontail Gang's daring attempt at parapetal trepanation-- well, anyone with ears really could have picked it up, since they were putting large holes into masonry. But nevertheless, the purple feline looks up from his stir fry, ears perked, and says "Trouble..."

Then he jumps over the table and runs towards the sound of the mess where the shameless bandits were exiting through the roof-holes.

Normally, it would be rude to do that and leave one's lunch date, but his lunch date wasn't just any old boyfriend. Vorpal didn't need to change to be who he was, but Patrick needed some privacy, or at least convenient cover, so he went ahead. "Stop, in the name of ---" he swings his hand in a dramatic gesture, calling out to the disappearing robbers... uh oh, he had forgotten to put down ... "...my stir fry!" he says, seeing its boxed deliciousness fly and splatter on the mall ground.

He hated littering

The cat growls and pushes off the ground, levitating from the bottom floor upwards towards the holes. "

There is one thing that no one ever expects, thats right The Spanish Inquisit...wait no that man in the red is in fact not a Spanish Cardinal Infante but one of New York's ever growing cadre of Spider themed heroes! Summoned by the sudden sounds of surreptitious explosives use, and given a rather nice distraction by his date suddenly leaping into the air to sneak off and activate the technological marvel that is his costume, the crimson clad hero known as Iron Spider has made his way swiftly to the scene of the robbery bouncing across the mall like a Super Bounce Ball (TM) that was taught the basics of parkour.

Seeing the rabbit themed gang exiting the roof of the building he does the first thing that comes to mind. *Thwip* he sends a single stream of web towards the back of one of the villains and gives it a hard pull intending to pull the person off his feet and back into the store before he leaps out of the hole that the Cotton Tail Gang made.

The Tick picks up Buster, shaking him up and down as the lapine-masked miscreant positively rattles with ill-gotten gain, more spilling out of his pockets and falling down at Tick's feet: a multitude of wallets, several dozen ladies' earrings, two-thirds of a vacuum-sealed honey ham from Pepperidge Farm. NOT THE FARM! YOU DEVILS! "You know what, fella, I'm beginning to think you just might be up to no good. And lemme tell ya, no good doesn't happen on the Tick's watch, mister! I'VE GOT A FULL DAY SCHEDULED AND YOU'RE MESSIN' UP MY TIME MANAGEMENT, SON!' he says. Giving Buster one good bop on top of the noggin, just to make sure he's knocked out even more than he was from the three story fall he just endured, the Tick leaps up into the air, one hand holding his sombrero firmly in place atop his head as he lands.

Just in time to see Iron spider's webbing hit the back of a very concerned Bugs (Buster was his nephew, after all, he brought him into the gang, oh what will his sister, Maude, say?!?). Tick lands in an entirely safe and discreet way, outside of the massive air conditioning vent that he crumples like tissue paper beneath his feet as he arrives, just in time to see Buster whipped backwards off of his feet with a comical, "YEEEEEEEEEEEOW!". Vorpal's declaration of intention and threats of MSG-laden justice cause Peter to snarl, drawing his portable hole out again and flinging it to the ground, creating a new aperture into the mall, 'Dammit, these mooks're always showin' up anymore, with their masks and their powers and their fancy whatchamacallits. No respect, I tell ya, no respect!" Thumper nods eagerly at his boss even as he pulls out an automatic pistol and starts to spray fire in the Iron Spider's direction, 'HEy, gimme back Bugs! You wascal!" he cries.

Vorpal flies through the hole and lands, legs spread over it and arms akimbo. It's a very heroic pose. It's also a terribly impractical one for springing right into action- but superheroes needed their pose moment. "I can see this is going to be a hare-raising job-- your life on the lam is done, creeps ... now you're living on burrowed time."

The cat smirks and summons a huge, purple, luminescent carrot-shaped club and throws it in Peter's direction-- and he blinks at the Tick's appearance. "Whoa... you don't exactly fit the theme here, did you ride your way in?"


 * thwip* *Thwip* Iron Spider shoots two quick globs of web fluid down into the hole as he bounces up intent on gluing Bugs to the ground so he does not have to worry about him while he fights. As Thumper opens fire the Red Bug of Justice dives to the side avoiding most of the fire and letting his suit protect him from those shots he can't get out of the way of. "He is in the right color pallet at least, but I think the big blue guy may be more my theme than the robber's Vorpal."

The Tick cocks his head at Vorpal's arrival, the anthropomorphic cat making the Tick's overdeveloped brow furrow into a furrowed thing, like a farmer's field or cut of Arby's roast beef in a TV commercial. Except, y'know, blue. "Great Balls of Yarn, but you're an agile beast! And talking! My GOSH, but the pet store here really is top notch! I wonder if they have chinchillas...but RODENTRY BE DAMNED! For the only vermin that interests the Tick today have long ears, cute little noses, frickly whiskers," (Note: frickly is not a word, no matter how many times the Tick uses it) "and pockets full of WICKEDNESS! Put down those gems and put up your dukes, because I'm here to ladle up a heaping helping of hosenfruiten...hapsenfarger...hausnf....er, RABBIT STEW!"

All of this monologuing has the inevitable result, as Roger, the gang's nuttiest member and the mutant who's strange powers give them their bag of cartoon-laced tricks, sneaks up behind Tick with a massive, oversized hammer. He brings it down on the Tick's head, resulting in a comical clang, Roger's legs thrown out in cartoonish glee. The Tick, for his part, looks around, "Wait, did you feel that? I feel like I'm missing something?" he says, scratching his head next to the hammer, "Oh, yes, I almost forgot: SPOOOOOOOOOOON!"

Bugs gets glued down pretty easily, but the bullets in Thumper's gun prove particularly troublesome, as if they're made of super rubber (FLUBBER), as they nt only ricochet but continue to bounce in every direction, the constant spray creating a torrential, bouncing downpouring wall of bullets.

"Behind you---" Vorpal calls out, and then there's the hail of bullets. Bullets, bullets everywhere, and nary a drop to drink---"Duck!"

The cat drops to the ground, snarls and summons a purple wall directly ahead of Thumper's gun- the wall is slightly concave. Or convex. Or whatever it means to have the curvy side pointing towards Thumper-- Keith can't think of the world right away under pressure, but he can sure think of how to make that wall-- "Let's see how you like nibbling back on your own bullets!"

Rubber bullets are no problem for the Iron Spider, they are less likely to bruise under the armor of his suit than the metal ones. The fact that they keep bouncing around, that is going to cause some issues. He does end up rolling to a stop and ending up in a low to the ground ready pose to spring into action in time to see Vorpal put up the wall in front of the NRA Spokes Rabbit. "Did...did he really just hit the blue guy with a mallet like in the cartoons?"

Bullet Storm was, for one year in the 90's, perhaps the most popular of the grim 'n' gritty comic books, featuring a two-fisted vigilante named Rock Storm, who ended every issue by firing an M-16 in each hand and declaring to the eager children reading, "Ain't nobody dead until I shot 'em dead!". Thankfully, such family friendly entertainments were prohibited from the asylum which makes up the bulk of Tick's pre-City memories (HI, DR. LIMON AND DR. BLANCO!). What he had instead were Looney Tunes and Disney comics, featuring ducks swimming in gold, rabbits dressing up like vikings and, yes, occasionally, people getting hit on the head with giant mallets. And so, he turns, staring at Buster's demented features, his eyes practically bouncing inside of his mask and says, "You're despicable." And then promptly punches him really, REALLY hard. This, for the Tick, consists of technical mastery of fighting techniques. Fist, meet face.

Oh, so you wanna know what's happening to YOUUUUUUUU...all right, fine.

The rubber bullet storm starts to slow as their kinetic energy whatasmahoosits starts to run out, just leading to a light, pelting hail of bullets, maybe even something of a sleet. Definitely not down to a scattered shower yet, though. Which is why Thumper isn't immediately reduced to swiss cheesiness when Vorpal reflects those bullets back at him. Peter, for his part, has taken the opportunity to head for the hills, running away from all of the chaos with as many jewels as he can shove into his pockets. Tick is a bit distracted with his flattened sombrero, bemoaning his chances of every being able to sneak into the Jumping Beans Refried Gang without the proper accoutrements, "HE'S SMASHED MY AUTHENTICITY!"

Vorpal 's arm is hit by several of the rubber bullets, causing him to yelp- "Damnit, and I'm not even protesting anything!" The cat tries the four-legged run to stay low and then Sidestep towards Thumper, trying to tackle him to the ground so he can stop the shooting. But there was the other one getting away.

"Who cares about authenticity! He's getting away!... Spider, ---" he pauses, not knowing what to call the Tick yet "... Stinkbug, get him!"

Iron Spider takes a moment to just stare at the Tick. He is used to insanity of interesting kinds from Vorpal, has even gotten to the point where it is almost his new normal, but from people he has just met it is still a bit distracting. He shakes his head as Vorpal yells out and then zeroes in on the escaping wrascally wabbit. Having ended up near some venting he stops and pulls the cover off of the nearest heat vent and hefts it in hand a second. "Not as good as a manhole cover..." He says after winding back and throwing the square cover with all the accuracy and skill of Captain America throwing his shield aiming to hit the escaping rabbit in the back of the knees.

The Tick lifts his arms up and takes a quick whiff of his armpits as Vorpal calls him Stinkbug, "Hey, pal, IT SAID IT WAS STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN!' he says, pointing an accusatory finger. That finger may have the fake mustache he had on earlier not perched precariously on its tip, but that doesn't make it any less accusatory. J'accuse, Vorpal, j'accuse!

With Roger unconscious, however, Tick realizes that, in fact, Fuzzy Happy Kitty Friend was right, and the last evildoer was getting away. Tick leaped high in the air and, with a two thirds twist which may have just been him reaching around to try to scratch the bottom of his foot, managed to land pretty muc accurately in front of the escaping Peter, "HUZZAH! No egress here, evildoing fuzzball! This is a toll road, I'm afraid, and you'd better have exact change in the form of three pieces of silver I like to call JUSTICE!" he says. His sudden arrival causes Peter to skid and try to dodge to the side, a timely thing because it makes the manhole cover that Iron Spider through so very accurately and super-soldiery to miss him entirely and strike the Tick in the chest with a loud KERANG. The Captain America styling, however, had a Captain American effect, though, as the ricochet simply plows the dodging Peter right in the dodging snout. Ouchie.

Vorpal blinks at the extreme ricochet, getting to his knees and starting to tie up the gunner and trying to ignore his battered arm. At the chest-bounce, he blinks impressed... was the man nothing -but- muscle? Geez. He does wince at the ricochet "... looks like you got him, indirectly..." he says to the Spider, and fixes the Ticket with a curious glance "... and who... or what.... are you?"

Iron Spider has learned a few things since his meeting with the rest of the Spider heroes. One is how to emote through his mask. He winces as the Tick gets in the way of his take down and the grating bounces off of the neigh invulnerable blue man and hits the fleeing villain in the face. That, has got to hurt. After making sure that the criminals left are all tied up, and left hanging from the hole in the ceiling for the cops because that is how the friendly neighborhood spider people do things, Iron Spider bounces down to join Tick and Vorpal. "And more interestingly, is that a normal costume or a type of polymer mat suit similar to the one the Rhino uses?"

The Tick puts his hands on his hips, always glad to be asked who he is. Introductions are keen! "Don't look so surprised there, my velvet-bellied amigo. For some men are just made of sterner stuff than others. Iron Man is made out of Iron. Superman is a man of steel. As for me? I am The Tick, and I'm made of...OWWWWWWWWWWWW," he says, belatedly clutching his chest where the manhole cover hit him, "Guacamole tacos, but that thing packed a wallop! Wow! Really, you should...you should go out for baseball, fella!" He watches as the Spider gathers up the other heroes, cocking his head at the last question, "What costume?"

Vorpal opens his mouth. Then closes it. Then opens it once more, only to close it again. What could you say, really?

He gives Patrick a sidelong glance. One of these dadys, they would actually have a date that didn't devolve into weirdness at some point. Someday.

"Well..er... Tick. I'm Vorpal, and this is the Iron Spider. I can take care of the cops, since I'm registered.."

That line usually reminds vigilantes that law enforcement is on the way, and anyone not registered will probably prefer to be home washing their hair before the city's finest came to pester them...

The Tick flicks his antenna, "Registered? Well, yes, I guess you'd have to be. You wouldn't want this fella to get picked up an taken to the pound!" he says to Iron Spider, "I bet you'd have a dickens of a time getting him back! He'd get adopted in a second! I mean, he can talk! That's pretty uncommon in a cat. I once had a dog that could talk! I named him Speak!"

Iron Spider blinks and then nods at The Tick. "Right. Ok." Yup, this is going to be like working with Mutant Zero again, only with a nicer form of crazy. "Actually the person I wa...er well I played a number of sports in high school." It is almost technically sort of true. There is just a long look at The Tick and then shaking his head. "He means he is registered as a Hero with the Police. I do not have any worries about him getting taken to a shelter. He is rather good about coming home on his own, when he has not been playing a little to rough with clowns and elves."

Vorpal looks at Spidey. God, he was never going to live that dark elf down. "Well..er... Mister Tick, this is how you can you stay in touch with us..." he produces a purple card-- which sports his name, codename and contact information in white letters "Just... you know, in case more rabbits develop a taste for jewelry, or the like." He offers him the card.

Today's fight was the second most surreal fight he had had yet. But he still thought that the ballerina mafia was just a fluke.

Iron Spider nods at the Tick and then at Vorpal. This, is going into his personal notes as the strangest fight he has had in this reality, which is saying something as often as he fights along side of Vorpal. "Or in case you need backup...although as tough as you appear that may not be often."

The Tick grins broadly as he takes the card, looking at it closely. HE CAN READ, REALLY! He takes a moment to sniff the card, because it's purple and might be grape flavored. You should never assume. "Ooooh, staying in touch is neat! We can maybe go to ball games or stay up late and braid each other's hair. I always wanted to have a pillow fight!" he says, literally tee-heeing (as in, he says "TEE HEE!" in a high pitched, and girlish voice). "But, I understand that, in the meantime, we have to lay low. The cool hand of Justice can give you the willies with its chilly fingers, and sometimes you need some time off to get them babies in some mittens. And you can be I'm tough. Tough as an old steak...tough as an old steak made of shoe leather...tough as an old steak made of shoe leather left out in the sun and plated with another piece of leather on top of..." he says. He's still talking but he's fallen off the building at this point, not paying attention as he was ticking off points on his fingers. It happens sometimes.

After a moment, from below, a cheerful, "I'M OKAY!" sounds.