2015.02.24 - Another Bloody Sunday in Bludhaven

"... the mayor's office was unavailable for comment, but our independent survey confirms that there are definitely more pigeons in the park this year. Health officials warn that it's too early to prove a link between the increase in pigeons, and the increase in suicides among single mothers..."

"... were apparently killed as part of another satanic ritual inspired by the popular teen romance novels. Attempts by parents groups to remove the controversial books from the school library have so far remained unsuccessful..."

"... yet another outbreak of violence near Bludhaven's warehouse district. The body count barely reached double digits, however, and the mayor's office assures us that the potholes will be repaired in time for the annual Easter parade..."

"... new census figures suggest that teenagers in Bludhaven are more likely to die of gunshot wounds than all other causes combined. Police authorities state that the only sure way to protect your children from gun violence is to move to Metropolis...

"... but the looters would not disperse when warning shots were fired, necessitating stricter measures by the VSG forces. We take you now to our on-scene reporter..."