2013.10.07 - Avoiding Captain Raptor

The Savage Land is not exactly a well-kept secret. The general public knowing about something doesn't mean that the general public gets free admission, however. It's one of the wildest places left on Earth, if not the wildest.

Jurassic Park reenactments are the least of the concerns. Man-apes and other animal people have a nasty habit of shanking outsiders. Then there's the Savage Land's own cast of heroes and villains. Mostly villains. Pretty much entirely villains. There's seriously a satanic T-Rex wandering around,

Princess Amethyst has had her fill of obviously demonic jerks, however. It's a good thing that Devil Dinosaur is just one particularly hellish T-Rex and therefore unlikely to be encountered while she's on her business: collecting gems.

The great thing about places with an almost animate desire to kill you is that it scares off people who would like to turn natural resources into money. Mostly. This means that, unlike the rest of the world, it is entirely possible to find some obvious veins of awesome gemstones just sitting around.

Or, in this case, at the mouth of a cave. Amethyst scribbles away in a notebook, whistling jauntily because it seems like the proper thing to do while mining. She's not mining herself, of course. A rough-hewn stone figure is mechanically chipping away at a large deposit of ruby while the princess relaxes on a particularly giant mushroom.

She doesn't even notice the raptors watching her from about fifty feet away. They're hiding in bushes and quietly loading flintlock rifles. The other terrible thing about the Savage Land is that it attracts a bunch of evil scientists, which means that any specific thing has about a 50/50 chance of being an escaped lab experiment. Thus, supergenius raptors with guns.

Usually, whenever someone needs to go on a well needed vacation to get away from everyday troubles, there's lazy mornings in bed and palm trees involved. Unless you're a restless punching machine that needs more of a change in scenery than turning your phone off for a day. Red She-Hulk had heard of the Savage Land before, with its inhabitants of abnormal mutants and dangerous elements. This was the sort of place that humans wouldn't dare visit with any sort of sanity, but for her, it was just what she needed. Angry monsters that she could slap around without a second thought or throw halfway across the plains just because she could. Her equivalent of spending some quality time with a boxing punching bag to let off some steam and relax. She'd been here a few days, exploring without a care in the world, not feeling any sort of anxiety or fear. Adventure like this was just what she needed, something she couldn't find in the city. Too many people making life complicated. Red She-Hulk had grown tired of her current position, taking a moment to see what was left to find in this hostile place. She wandered around until seeing raptors outside a cave - nothing too strange around here - holding rifles. Not just picking up strange objects like stupid creatures, but actually holding them correctly. Red She-Hulk was impressed, to say the least. Out of sheer curiosity and boredom, she began to creep forward.

The raptors are using guns, yes, but they are not using them well. The three of them huddle together in the bushes, hissing at each other as they try to ready their weapons with their weird raptor hands. At least someone gave them opposable thumbs.

Each of them wears a little bowler hat, and each bowler hat has a little speaker in the front. They speak to each other in tinny, grating, eternally shouting voices. Well, they sound like they're shouting, but they have the sound turned way down low. For stealth.

"RAPTORGO I HAVE FINISHED PREPARING MY HUMAN SHOOTING RIFLE AND AM READY TO SHOOT HUMANS."

"EXCELLENT RAPTORNIS. I HAVE ALSO FINISHED PREPARING MY HUMAN SHOOTING RIFLE AND AM READY TO SHOOT HUMANS. RAPTORLOS ARE YOU ALSO PREPARED TO SHOOT HUMANS?"

"MY NAME IS THE RAPTORNADO THANK YOU."

"I AM NOT CALLING YOU THE RAPTORNADO."

"YOU WILL RESPECT ME ONCE I HAVE PREPARED MY THE RAPTORNADO COSTUME RAPTORGO."

"FELLOW SUPER RAPTORS WE HAVE BEEN DISCOVERED."

Raptornis gestures wildly in Red She-Hulks position. Looks like red is a really bad camo color in the jungle. The other two raptors snap to attention, focusing sharp eyes on the interloper and screeching in shock and rage. Raptornis fires its flintlock--rather than this being amusing, the gun belches a stream of freakishly sharp gems.

Upon closer examination, these raptors aren't very impressive at all. Red She-Hulk notices their stupid little hats, and assumes these are some of the dumber residents of the Savage Lands. She tried her best to be sneaky, but knew her bright red skin would give it all away eventually. Unless they were colorblind, but they spotted her nonetheless. Not that she really minded, but it did sort of spoil the fun of watching whatever these things were up to. They start screaming wildly. Red She-Hulk was expecting some harmless bullets, but instead noticed sharp gems instead. What a bizarre weapon of choice. Normally, Red She-Hulk found being shot at more annoying than a real danger, but since she didn't know what these gems were, it was best to stay out of the way. Red She-Hulk immediately grabs onto a large jungle tree nearby, holding on and jumping upwards to branches that will hold her weight. She can hear them talking to one another in computer-like voices as she swings around, missing their shots. They sound dumber than they look. Red She-Hulk rolls her eyes, wondering who would even give these things a voice. Red She-Hulk has a more birds-eye view of the situation, noticing that these mundane beasts seemed interested in whatever was in the cave. If she could get rid of these annoying pests, maybe she could see why.

The gem shards go whistling past, cutting through everything they touch. Trees topple, dirt is tossed up in geysers, but mercifully Red She-Hulk doesn't find out if her Gamma irradiated skin is up to the task. The raptors squawk and flail.

"THE RED APE CLIMBS WITH THE AGILITY OF TEN NORMAL APES," Raptorgo shouts, spraying gem bullets into the branches.

"RAPTORGO WE MUST DESTROY THE TREES IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE THEM FIGHT FAIR LIKE RAPTORS," Raptornis replies grimly, leveling his gun to the base of tree. He flips a switch which is undoubtedly what makes the gun go into full auto. Even though Red's tree had to be thick to support her, it can't stand up to the brutal onslaught of the Super Raptors. Very few things can, in their opinion.

"Whaaaaat," Amethyst says, craning her neck to look off into the distance. A few trees go down, which usually means something huge is approaching. She bounds up to her feet, tossing her notebook behind her. It is snatched up by a gem on her belt via a purple laser, disappearing into some magical storage space. "This better be another mammoth or something. I get the feeling you're a complete dork in a fight, dude."

The golem continues slicing gems from the vein in silence.

Amethyst starts off across the clearing, gesturing widely in the air before her and snatching from nothingness a purple sword composed of mystical energy. It sparkles as the princess gives it a few experimental slashes.

Another tree crashes down. "Huhhh."

Red She-Hulk is running out of trees to stand in, and her patience is running thin. Her yellow eyes begin to spark as she grits her teeth. "Did you worthless little lizards just call me an ape?!" Red hops down from her tree as it gets shot down. She wraps her arms around the trunk, ripping the roots out of the earth as gems continue to fly wildly all around her. She holds the tree firmly, twisting to her side, then swinging it towards the raptors like a baseball bat. "I. Am not. AN APE!!" The tree bashes all three raptors down to the ground, their guns knocked away. They're beaten, but not killed, and they hurry to get back on their feet and retrieve their weapons, rolling around like knocked over cockroaches for a moment. Red tosses the tree aside, then noticing a young blonde girl running towards her, a glittery gem sword in her hand. "Oh, sorry Blondie, did I hurt your pets?"

The tree crashes through the underbrush, ripping scrubs and saplings up even as it brushes aside the super raptors.

Amethyst skids to a halt, raising her sword en garde as the scene is revealed to her. Big angry red woman fighting raptors with guns and bowler hats. "My pets?!" the princess shouts, scandalized. "Shut up, roid rage! I was minding my own business!"

"THE OTHER HUMAN HAS FOUND US WE MUST CALL FOR HELP," Raptornis shouts, whirling around to shower the new target in shiny death.

Whatever Amethyst was about to say, it comes out as a squeak. She throws herself to the side, parrying a diamond mid-air by reflex or luck. "I just wanted rubies to enchant into magic rockets!" With a grand, fey gesture, the ground before her is ripped apart by an outcropping of purple gemstone.

The raptors' guns chip away, already fracturing the shield. Amethyst pokes her head out and, with a crook of her finger, lances one of the raptors with purple beam. The creature shrieks and falls, reaching feebly toward its fellow.

"RAPTORGO I MUST TELL YOU SOMETHING I AM NOT JUST THE RAPTORNADO... I AM THE SON OF CAPTAIN RAPTOR."

"WHAT."

"I TRIED TO LIVE MY OWN SUPERHERO LIFE BUT I WAS NOT STRONG ENOUGH. INSIDE MY SPEAKING HAT IS A COMMUNICATION DEVICE. CAPTAIN RAPTOR WILL SAVE US."

"'Roid Rage', hah!" Red muttered to herself. "That's cute." Red She-Hulk stands back, brushing herself off as she watches the show. This girl has some great fighting skills, that's for sure. It's different than how Red does it - this girl plans, waits for the right moment to strike, and seems to have a few tricks up her pretty little sleeve. Not quite what she expected from first impressions. This teenybopper seems to have a better understanding of these gems nonetheless. Red stomps forward while the raptors are distracted, jumping back as a purple beam shoots by her. One gets knocked down and starts flailing around, yelling about his precious little hat. Red grabs one of his raptor comrades from behind while they chatter about nonsense, throwing his body towards the remaining one off to the side. She plants her foot on the first raptor's torso, pinning the beast down while she bends over and grabs his bowler hat. Red looks all over it, with weird wires and lights blinking on the inside. "Sorry Blondie, I didn't mean to crash your jewelry party. But I really don't want to meet this Captain Raptor fellow. You know how to work this thing?"

The remaining two raptors go down in a big pile of genetically enhanced whupped ass. Apparently they sunk all their points into intelligence for those sweet guns, because Red She-Hulk's savage strength was enough to break bones and maybe literally scramble brains. They're not getting up, in any case.

Amethyst peeks her head up from around her gemstone fortification, emboldened by the lack of diamond guns. "Um."

Well. She doesn't want to meet Captain Raptor either, she supposes.

"Usually, the best thing to do is smash it," the princess calls over. "Like, with a boot or something. I probably don't need to give you directions."

Red She-Hulk started to smile real big. "I know we just met, but let me be the first to tell you that smashing things is my favorite thing to do." Red tosses the communicator to the ground, stomping all over it with her giant boot. Sparks fly and hardware pieces scatter all over, the raptors grunting in pain and anguish as she does the same to all three hats. Red She-Hulk gets a satisfied smirk on her face, tossing her hair back as she puts her hands on her hips. Still, things seem a bit tense. She faces the girl, her hands up in a peaceful defense. "So, hey, for the record, I'm not after you or anything. So before you come at me with that pretty little magical girl sword, those raptors were eyeing you in your little clubhouse, and I think it's a good thing I just happened to be in the neighborhood. So I gotta ask, what are you even doing out here? I don't think there's many castles around here."

"That's cool," Amethyst calls back in a tone indicating that she is unsure of the actual coolness levels. She stands, walking around the side of her gemfort, sword still in hand. Best not to pick a fight about the 'pretty little sword' thing. Being a magical girl ain't so bad, anyway.

"I came by flying unicorn," she says, stonefaced. "I'm guessing that you don't live in the Savage Land." Amethyst lets that hang for a moment, then looks stricken, continuing hurriedly: "Not that I think all Savage Land people are savages or anything, I mean, you could definitely live in the Savage Land and wear a sleeveless leather catsuit, totally. You're from the Savage Land, aren't you? Um, am I saying it wrong? Is it called something other than 'Savage Land'? Because I totally know what it's like to have everyone call your place some dumb name and not its real name."

Red She-Hulk waits for the blonde heroine to stop her rambling, nodding along and raising eyebrows. Red stares at her a moment before bursting out into laughter. "Me? From here?" It takes a moment for Red to get the giggles out of her system and recompose herself. "No way, although sometimes I feel like moving here. But as you can see, I don't blend in very well around all this green. Although, I guess I don't really mind being a moving target if everything around here is wimpy. Gives me plenty to do." Red clears her throat when she realizes now she's the one rambling. "Let's just say...I'm on a sort of vacation around here. But you, you definitely don't belong." Red lazily stretches her arms high in the air while wandering closer. "Now, I don't mean to put you down, or tell you that this is obviously a dangerous place. I'm not your mom, and you seem to know how to defend yourself alright. But I've been here a few days and I've seen way bigger and nastier fellows out here than those raptors. Things that would like to eat you up for brunch. So forgive me if I'm a bit curious as to why a kid like you is all by herself in this hostile place. But hey! I'll leave you to your tea party if you like and go my merry way."

Amethyst frowns. She keeps frowning while Big Red over there makes a show of not giving any fucks whatsoever. She looks like she's pouting. It's a fault of looking Disneytastic. When the She-Hulk starts coming closer, she raises the point of her sword in challenge.

"Dude, you just said brunch when you had a chance to list any other meal, that is like the frilliest thing said in this entire conversation." The princess gestures behind her with her free hand, prompting the half-ruined gem formation to collapse back into the ground. She clenches the same hand into a fist and suddenly it is surrounded by a purple flame, dancing with glimmers and twinkles.

"I seriously beat the crap out of Adolf Hitler in Hell the other day because I really am a magical girl. So you've got two choices: sit down and politely enjoy whatever tea I'm serving, or excuse yourself."

Red grinned in complete satisfaction, crossing her arms. She knew the girl's threats were genuine, but it takes much more than that to really get her nervous. Red saw a lot of herself in this girl, the reason why she hadn't bailed out already to find something else to punch around here. "Hitler? Really? Please tell me that story and please tell me it's true. I like your style, kid. We should hang out. I'm dead serious. Look at us! You've got the magic and the sword, and I've got the muscle. We can do almost anything around here. Whaddya say?"

The princess hesitates. She glances side to side and then back to the taller woman.

"Wait, are you seriously suggesting a team up?"

The tension flows out of Amethyst's stance, leaving her looking awkward and embarrassed. She lowers her magic blade, shuffling her feet to regain her balance. "Huh. Well, um, I did find an emerald deposit like twelve miles back that was swarming with giant ants. Like, car size."

She gestures in a southerly direction, a thoughtful look crossing her face. "It would almost be... an adventure. You down?"

"Pff, car size ? Noooo problem, kid. You can do your digging and I'll make sure nothing bothers you." Red She-Hulk extends her hand. "Let's at least be civil. They call me Red She-Hulk, since I'm, y'know, red and all. You can call me that, or Red. Don't call me 'Miss Hulk' or something, that's weird. No need to be that proper. Got it?"

"As weird as calling me kid?" Amethyst says, shaking with her non-sword hand.

"Because I'm like eighteen. Totally an adult. Now, let me call my flying unicorn."

And she does.