|What: Whatever we know about this sudden outbreak of demonic rage in Metropolis's Suicide Slum, we can be sure of one thing: it was not Deadpool's fault.|
Normally, the Suicide Slums in New Troy fly under the radar. It's a broken down old piece of the city, with rusty broken factories and brownfields everywhere. Bums abound, and most organized crime happens out here, away from the prying eyes of stray police officers.
Except today. Today, the worst has happened. Factories and slums are being smashed down, squatters fleeing in all directions.
Deadpool is right in the pack there, running like there ain't no tomorrow. "Oh crapohcrapohcrapohcrap!" he shouts, flailing comically. Behind him comes a roar of rage, and a twelve-foot tall hulking demon built more like a panzer than a humanoid smashes through a wall with a sword the size of a Volvo. It roars after Deadpool, charging after him. Dozens- maybe hundreds- of smaller demons the size of pumas leap and bound over walls and broken concrete, moving with lithe surety.
This is not my fault! Not my fault! So Hellboy left me holding a summoning book and a magic circle while he went for doughnuts? How is this my fault? "Not my fault!" Deadpool shouts for the benefit of the reponders not privy to yellow thought bubbles. "Serioulsy not my fault!"
She-Hulk was a few blocks down, on her way home from a party when she heard all of the commotion. With it being a slummy area, she considered no matter what was causing that noise it wasn't any good and likely needed a hero. She found a spot to illegally park. There was some movement form the inside of her car, and as she stepped out she was suited up and ready for superheroin' (wearing a swimsuit as your costume made it easy to be prepared at any time!)
Suicide Slum. It's a part of Metropolis Mend tries to pay a bit of attention to...most of the stuff that happens here is, indeed, stuff that can be dealt with by somebody with no offensive powers on their own. This? As she rounds the corner... "Okay. Who opened the Hellmouth?" is the first words out of her mouth. (Random Buffy references for the win).
It wasn't Deadpool, Men!
It wasn't Deadpool, Mend!
My narrator can't type.
Being right can be so painfully wrong. Noh-varr's followed the girl back to her home here in the slums. She's pushing the cart filled with booty he liberated from the choicest of stores downtown. Cashmere for winter, organic pre-prepared meals for the weak and the shiniest new Stark WiMAX hub hacked to receive service under the company's radar. Also tweaked to provide a sizable wireless hub. "It's not enough." He stands hands planted on hips, face slightly upturned to eternity, jaw square and mouth set. "I swear to--" The vibration that had been building rapidly but enroute to pass by takes a sudden left turn and then the building is crumbling underneath him, sending him down towards Deadpool and the larger demon.
Sometimes, you can just tell when someone's an out-of-towner. Case in point: the tall orange woman with the curves like... well, like She-Hulk, really. So maybe that part's not so unique. Still, she's dressed in glamorous rags, the very height of winter-season fashion, chic and comfortable, and carrying shopping bags from exclusive boutiques.
And there she is, walking through Suicide Slum, tilting her head back and oohing and ahhing at decrepit scenery like a decay-tourist. Ladies and gentlemen: Kory 'Starfire' Anders. She smiles and waves to a vagrant who just gives her a boggle-eyed bitter stare in response, and continues marching along her merry way, and takes out her iPhone to snap a picture of herself next to a cool bit of grungy scenery for Facebook.
Looking at herself in the screen, Kory makes a quizzical expression, because she's noticing that behind her, a wall is exploding thanks to a demon war. "--!" she non-says, dropping the bags and spinning around to fly right into the fray, fists glowing pink.
Existence. This is what goes on in its mind. To be. To... live. The one who calls himself 'Jacob' has escaped, but it was never shown the next step to take. Crossing an alleyway not far off from Deadpool's location, it's observing the area. The people. The animals. And deciding what its next step should be. And as it's left to wonder the next course of action, that's when 'Jacob' turns to the noise that calls out its attention. With a face too blank to resemble anything normal, he examines the events taking place with a casual expression on his face.
Deadpool turns and with a spectacular motion, kicks off one foot like a springbok and twirls, pistols coming out in a John Woo two-handed draw. Bullets sputter from suppressed machine pistols, turning two of the leaping demons into a splatter of paste as the pistols burp bullets.
"This is not my fault, but I kind of need some help containing this!" Deadpool yells at no one in particular. He kicks a demon in the teeth and fires another burst of fire, trying to keep the angles between himself and the big bruiser as wide as possible. "Also, help!"
Mend narrows her eyes. Getting no answer to her rhetorical question, she tugs a flashbang from her belt and throws it into the mass of demons. She's rather hoping they'll turn out to be nocturnal or something. A moment later one of the mook demons leaps at her. She aims her knee into its stomach, but is, at least for now, kind of entangled with the thing.
The Kree tumbles down head over feet watching tiny red creatures strobe closer on each revolution. Deadpool's bullets whizz past him from behind, scoring hits and bursting ichor everywhere. THe manages to land a hand-stand on one palm, the other erupting a cresent-shaped raygun from his glove. VORP VORP VORP. Three more go POP. "No one can help another." The debris from his fall shakes as Noh-varr leans over to one side and lands on his feet. There's an explosion and he and stares at the huge monster barreling down upon him.
"Speak for yourself!" Starfire says in sudden response to Noh-Varr. Flying in and starbolting a nearby demon right in the grill, she moves to take one exquisitely manicured orange hand and grab Deadpool by the scruff of his costume's neck area and hoist him up and out of the fray. "Don't worry, sir -- I'll save you! It's okay, I'm a Titan!" She then shoots two more demons with laser bolts from her fist.
She-Hulk sighed when she saw the massive loads of demons and one larger one tearing up the area, somehow making it look worse then before. She looked over to the cop who looked way out of his element, and snapped her fingers in front of his face to get his attention, "Listen. Don't worry we deal with this kind of crap all the time in New York. Help escort the civilians to safety and step aside, we've got this hun."
She gave the beat cop a wink and stormed toward a group of small demons terrorizing a retreating a drunk hobo, "Come get some!"
Deadpool turns and clings to Starfire, firing back down into the fray as a bunch of capes show up. He clings a bit inappropriately. "Wow, really? I'm a Virgo. So, uh, you hang down here often?" he asks the Tamaranean, bobbing his eyebrows at her from under his facemask. "I mean, y'know- not that I need /rescuing/, of course. Really, I'm just here to rescue people. You know. Helping folks, that's what I do. I'm a helper."
Jacob looks onward, not saying a word. It's eyes are looking towards Deadpool. 'Could helping be a part of... existence?', he enquires himself. And so, he proceeds to /walk/ to the area where Deadpool is, and asks. "What is it you need?" He looks at the other arriving heroes, again studying them. And he just... waits for DP to answer him. Seriously... can you believe this guy??
"I need you to kill the demons! ...and tell all your friends about the new Deadpool movie, coming to a theatre near you!" Deadpool shouts down at Jacob as he's whisked away.
Mend manages to get both feet into the demon who's now on top of her, throwing him into his fellows before rolling to her feet. She's a bit bruised and scratched up. The flashbang scattered a bunch of demons...but not for long. "Drat it. Starfire! We need to find whoever summoned them." She doesn't know MUCH about magic...and then another demon wraps a tail around her ankle and she goes down again.
"Who else would I speak for?" Noh-varr crouches as a particularly tubby ant-cherub with a Ginsu set of clars flies over him, missing, then leaps up and forward over the big guy. Grabbing a horn with his free hand, he swings around 180 degrees, shooting into the head of the spawn nonstop. And to no effect. "What the @#%& am I shooting!?"
"Sir, that's-- You're-- You need to hold on differently, sir, you're accidentally undoing a clasp there--" Starfire uses her amazing physical strength to remove Deadpool's hand out from under her sweater and put it somewhere else on her body. "Hold on, sir," she says, and then shifts Deadpool's entire weight, pulling him up onto her shoulders like a fireman's carry.
"Mend!" Starfire says, while wearing the Merc With a Mouth like a stole and using one free hand to continue firing pink energy. "Who summoned them...? I assumed they were just some sort of... local infestation! No worries, I'll find out who summoned them!"
Starfire then loudly announces to the entire group: "DOES ANYONE KNOW WHO SUMMONED THESE BEINGS?"
"I DID NOT SUMMON THESE BEINGS!" Deadpool shouts back, nimbly swinging around so he's more riding on Starfire like a rodeo bronc than being worn like a sexy, sexy piece of costumed anti-hero. He holsters his guns and unlimbers a short barreled assault rifle, and starts spraying automatic fire into the melee. He tosses a grenade off the side of the redheaded flier. "BUT I HAVE A STRONG FEELING IT HAPPENED NEAR MY SWINGIN' BACHELOR PAD A QUARTER MILE WEST OF HERE! ALSO, I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! BUT IF YOU GO THERE, PLEASE MAKE SURE THAT I DIDN'T LEAVE MY STOVE ON!" Deadpool sprays a burst of autofire down around Noh-varr. "The demons! Shoot the demons!" He looks down at Starfire. "Where's your unitard? Aren't all sexy superheroines required to wear bikinis, or unitards, or whatever?"
The big demon runs up on She Hulk with about as much momentum as a runaway truck, slavering and roaring, sword rearing up to come crashing down on her.
"What're... demons?", Jacob asks, right before he's smacked in the face by one of these beings. He's sent flying away along the ground, his face and body landing several yards off. For a moment, it's like he's dead. But then, he gets up, the gash on his face mending itself back in place. "I believe I understand now. I will assist." He raises his arms up for a brief moment, and they shudder. Then as he lowers them, they shapeshift, to reveal some sort of organic like structure of black and red, culminating in a sword-like structure of the same matter, and his other arm in a set of monstrous claws. He runs to them, full charge, and he begins slicing and dicing left and right. Demonic screaming ensues, and let cameras pan away over too much gore.
Mend actually manages to swing the smallish demon away from her by its tail. It produces a string of indignant noises that probably translate to "NOT THE TAIL!" She leaps onto a car, making it rather easier for her to beat on demons and see what's going on. Oh. Deadpool. It's all *Deadpool's* fault, of course. (At least he still thinks she's named Patricia or something stupid like that). "And I am not wearing a unitard for *you*!" she snaps up at Deadpool.
Noh-varr lets himself be carried by the momentum of his swing. He rockets past the T666 feet first, ricocheting first off the ground, then pushes off a second-story path of apartment building wall, the runs across the bottom of an old pedestrian bridge crossing the street from above. All the way he is a blur. All the way he is dodging Wade's erratic and legally blind gunfire. All the way he is planting fingernails as he goes. All the way he is listening to Wade's excuses. "I DON'T THINK I BELIEVE YOU." Ground again. Watching as the demon catches up and-- BWAMMM! BWAM! BWAM!THWAM!BWAM!BWAM!BWAM!BWAM!BWAM!Ka-BAMMM! Ten fingers=ten fingernails=a whole lot of cosmic plastique. Walls and partial buildings and an empty bridge come crashing down atop the demon. And apparently She-Hulk.
She-Hulk slides on the ground, causing some damage onto the street, as she dodges his sword. She slips in between his gigantic legs and bites the edge of her lip, "Yeah this isn't going to end well."
She glances over at the gathering spandex and sweater clad group and calls out, "I hope you all are forming some sort of plan! Plans are cool!"
She takes a couple of steps back, and leaps as high as she can onto the demon. This was her first time against her demon, and if video games were ever right his weak point was always on his stomach or back right?
The bridge lands on top of the demon, it roaring loadly at the impact. Which likely did the job, but sadly She-Hulk was there too. Ouch.
Mend spots what looks like somebody in trouble...yup. There's some poor gangster being banged on by the demons. She leaps to try and help him, but the mass of demons is just too thick. However, they also were focusing on him, not her. Oh, hey. Mend's going demon crowd surfing! "Aieee!" She manages to kick a couple of them in the face. There's just too many of them, though. Where's Magik when they really need her?
"Well maybe if you did, I'd call more often, PATRICE," Deadpool yells down at Mend, gesticulating angrily. "I'm wearing spandex for /you/. Though," he reflects, "it's really a gift for all the women of New York- nay, the world."
"So, plans! So while I'm completely in favor of a plan, and absolutely not culpable in any legal capacity, we should really head /that way/ and get back to the portal, and close it, or something!" Deadpool points angrily back in the direction he'd come running from. As Starfire runs OOC for a moment, Deadpool continues on, assuming she'd responded positively. "Wow, intergalactic fashion model, huh?" he asks her. "That is so cool. Why- no, I'm not seeing anyone! Yes, I'd /love/ to go out with you this weekend! Oh my, this is so sudden!" He throws another grenade, at random, and coincidentally completely at Noh-varr, for his crack about legally blind fire. But completely at random.
The rubble near She-hulk's position stirs, and the big bruiser, growling, throws a chunk of concrete off his horns, struggling to a sitting position, but still partially pinned.
Starfire oomphs as Deadpool clambers around on her, but she's got a sturdy spine and can handle a lot of bizarrely literal horseplay. When Deadpool points and begins one-sided small talk, she begins flying in the direction he offered. She dips low, like a boat skimming the waves, except in this case the water is demons, and she's punching them, with fists.
"You should be more careful where you're throwing your explosives!" Kory notes to Deadpool. "You might have injured that Kree!"
"Oh no, that's terrible, I hope he's ok," Deadpool says, completely insincerely, as he hucks another grenade at Noh-varr.
Accidentally, of course.
That Kree slaps his hands and his rayguns together in a loud clap and pulls them apart to reveal san setsu-kon nunchaku. The three-piece type, for when two pieces are just humiliating. He twirls around with the ends in each hand, pulling one foot up to the knee of the other leg and arching the weapon in Hala-equivalent-crane-giving-birth-to-apocalypse stance when the grenade lands at his feet and explode. The blast carries him up, up, up and coincidentally in the direction Deadpool is indicating, spinning all the way. The next grenade is batted back via chuks, straight towards Wade's mouth.
It's big enough. Mend manages to bounce off a demon's shoulders to land next to the struggling ganger. "Normally, I'd beat you up, but people with souls should stick together." Yup. She's hurt, but it's not slowing her down at all yet. Now she's focusing on making a clear road through the demons. (If DP wanted to be *useful* with one of those grenades)...
Grabbing a demon by the head, Jacob has but to squeeze. Another, that lunges at him, a slice along its whole symmetry. And yet another is grabbed by his feet and swung away as a mace against its companions. It's head is then stepped on. Jacob looks at the bruiser demon. "It is not over yet", Jacob warns. His left arm reshapes into a fist coupled with a needle-like structure. And he runs to it, a rush of air in it's wake.
Deadpool uses his incredible ninja skills and the butt of his rifle to knock the grenade /back/ at the Kree. "Hah! Eat my Martial Arts: 9 skill!" he shouts at Noh-varr. He looks up, then eeps and swings around and under Starfire, ankles locked at the small of her back. Not a moment too soon, as a dozen fliers swoop in, chittering furiously and bristling with razor sharp forelimbs and mandibles. Upside down, he still lays down fire over the group, trying to pick off the leapers. "Faster! Faster! Also, we really should head west," he observes, to no one in particular. "Not that I know where the portal is."
Starfire gives a mild glance over her shoulder, but it's all but impossible for her to see anything (or anyone to see her profile) because about seventy pounds of hair is everywhere. She fires pink bolts of energy at the flying demons and takes a hard west, forgetting to alert Deadpool that that's what she's doing. It's a bit of a sharp turn.
"Mend!" Starfire calls out. "Are you still in control of your situation? --sir, stop poking me."
She-Hulk one of the larger pieces of rubble gets tossed aside, revealing a very battle worn She-Hulk. Her costume has seen better days, and didn't look so good herself. She brushed out some concrete from her hair as she shakily got to her legs, "Yup. Going to need a massage later."
Noh-varr snarls, "What are you and the Tamaranian call girl doing to reality, you idiot?!" He extends the weapon to swat the grenade yet again. This time when Noh-varr hits a wall, it's without any grace. Or probably intent. He crashes through the building corner, trailing bricks below in an arc that may or may not involve bodily harm for anyone following on foot. There's no may about the grenade which goes off course and down to the group below.
Oh. Good. Noh-Varr's grenade *happens* to fall right where it does Mend the most good. She grins and runs through the gap, tugging the gangster with her. "For now!" she informs Starfire, sounding entirely too chipper for the situation. As soon as they're clear, she lets go of him. He...keeps running. Okay. West. "Going west is proving a little hard, though. I totally need a personal flight device!"
Jacob jumps onto the bruiser, and punches through the creature's head with that needle-like structure, leaving it to scream in pain. Jacob then jumps away from the bruiser, to meet one of the flying demons and slice him apart with a swing of its claws. He lands on a ceiling with a loud thump, turning around to face the bruiser and see what happens...
"I didn't do /anything/!" Deadpool screams angrily at Noh-varr, shaking a fist at the Kree. "I was just sitting there minding my own business, reading a book! And then, boom! Demons! What harm ever came from reading a book?! Aside from Catcher in the Rye, of course."
Deadpool looks... backwards, ish, and slings his rifle, then draws a small grenade launcher from the small of his back and starts laying down an explosive rain of fire to clear a path for Mend. "Lady, you complain an awful lot for someone who's got Men's Health voted 'Best Legs' wrapped around her," Deadpool points out to the Starfire. "You know who they tapped to play me in my movie? /Ryan Reynolds/," he says. "C'mon! And I'm /way/ better looking than he is."
The big bruiser screams in pain- and rage. Who says demons have brains where humans do? The bruiser hurls a rock the size of a basketball at Jacob, and about as fast as a fastball pitcher might. It kicks another hunk of rock at She hulk and gets to its feet, shedding reinforced concrete like chunks of soil.
"How would I know? You're wearing a mask," Starfire says, totally innocently -- and genuinely so. "One moment!" The Tamaranean suddenly busts a U-turn, swooping back to snatch up Mend and armpit her while Deadpool rides alien back.
"I-- hey, wait! Don't accuse me of being behind this!" Starfire says, to Noh-Varr. "You should be aware of the sort of consequences that would come from accusing nobility of crimes against another planet!"
When the Kree falls this time, there is nothing to break his fall except a statuesque (Lincoln size) gamma-green girl in a swimsuit.
"Ack! A little warning next time!" Mend yelps as she's scooped up. She doesn't even notice Kree being dropped on a Hulk...which might make for a small earthquake right there. On the other hand, she's in a better situation than she was. Oh. Wait. Deadpool's here. She'll take the demons.
She-Hulk is done with this crap A large chunk of rock launches towards She-Hulk, and a Kree. She dodges the rock, but catches him, hopefully not breaking bone. "Just a sec, stud."
She places him aside and walks over to an abandoned bus, picks it up, and does a 360 before launching it towards the large demon.
Jacob catches that basketball mid-air with a punch, shattering it to dust. Other approaching demons, they're again quickly sliced by the silent guy.
It is one of existence's great crimes that no webcam, iphone, Google Maps car, CCTV, spy satellite, or intergalactic microscope is watching when Noh-varr momentarily finds himself at a loss as he is set down like a toddler on the ground. Out of the way of danger. What was... what? He watches the bus lifted, cleared and tossed, taking the infernal creature right in the chest and kisser. There is a crumpling sound of both steel and bone as it goes down, followed by stillness. Noh brings his fingers to his lips and whistles, hoping to catch Jennifer's attention. "Can you do that to me? Towards them?" Them is the alien hooker and the reality-bending gimp. "I have a feeling it's going to be important."
The demon screams in pain as it's crushed by the bus- and as explosive black tendrils whip out of the wound that Jacob had inflicted. Its rage is terrible, but poorly directed- anything and everything in arm's reach is attacked, smaller demons crushed handily. It grabs the huge sword and swings it around violently, blinded but still furious as She-hulk and Noh-Varr collaborate.
Deadpool looks down at Mend, clinging to Starfire's front, and himself, clinging to her back. "Dear Penthouse," he begins. "I never thought it would happen to me. There I was, in the middle of a pitched battle with a hundred demons I totally didn't summon, and I got sucked into a threesome with a hot orange skinned alien and some chick named Patricia." He takes out a notepad and starts jotting his words down, crossing one ankle over his knee and leaning back, balanced on the small of Kori's back.
"Hey, I can see my house from here!" he declares, pointing down a few hundred yards off at a dilapidated factory. It's glowing bright purple inside, which is kind of suspect looking, all things considered.
She-Hulk looks up at the flying group above them. They had made some distance but she could pull this off. She flashes a bright smile at Noh-varr before picking him up again, "Well normally whenever I pick up a guy this many times I give him my number UGH!"
She is knocked back as the demon's tendrils rage out. She-Hulk scrambles back to her feet, "New plan! That sword is mine. Distract him!
Noh is released just in time. He stretches his arms forward, straightening his body to streamline it. A Kree in a green and white uniform, white hair blowing in the turbulence. Golden metal bands around his wrists (and palms, but ignore that). Soaring through the air. He is a marvel. And then he smashes down atop 'Pool, who is atop Kori. "All life is suffering. Some lives will suffer more than others."
There are certain ill effects to be had from divebombing someone who is using someone else as a mode of transportation. Starfire, though durable, doesn't exactly have the mass or weight to power through Noh-Varr smashing down atop her, whether he hits Deadpool or not. "What are you doing--?!" she squeals in sudden shock, as her flight path is knocked askew, and she doesn't so much fly to Deadpool's glowy dilapidated home as hurtle out of control and smash through one of its walls, hugging Mend to her to try and avoid, uh, killing her.
Right. To avoid killing her.
Or whatever. Giggity.
Jacob looks in the direction that Deadpool is looking, to notice the building that glows purple. He studies that, then considers 'not his fault', 'he can see his house from here', and 'it's glowing purple'. He looks at Deadpool, "Is your house connected to these... demons? What is in it?"
"HEY. My house has /nothing/ to do with the demons!" Deadpool shouts at Jacob. "I didn't summon them, and it's not my fault, and who leaves active summoning circles open, anyway?! If anyone is at fault here, it's Bill!"
And then, Noh-varr hits him. "Ow!" Deadpool shouts, inarticulately. He and Noh-varr go flying off Kori's back, tumbling through the air and crashing through another wall. Deadpool uses his ninja skills to try and keep Noh-varr between him and the impact as much as possible.
And then Mend and Starfire tumble into the ground. "Oof." Who leaves active summoning circles...joy. They *need* a magic specialist, and Marissa's pretty sure none of those are anywhere near or, likely, they'd have shown up. "Oof...oof." She'll live. Right now, she's considering that slightly unfortunate.
She-Hulk decides it is time to take care of business. She manages to lift the oversized sword, fit for a large Demon and wraps her arms around it. She stares down the demon, "Oh you're going down demon."
She jumps towards the demon and pushes its own sword into it's chest. The demon flails as it lands with another loud thud onto the ground, and remains still. She falls back onto her feet, and whips off the dust from her hands, "And that's how it's done!"
Plummeting through steel, glass and then (thanks to Wade) yet more steel, Noh-varr attempts to pummel the merc while somehow managing to take the brunt of almost all the crashing. They finally land albatross style on the floor, Noh finally tucking and rolling. He comes up whipping his gaze and his guns back onto Deadpool. "Cretin, WHAT DID YOU DO?" It's very hard for a sane person to imagine that he could be referring to anything but the gigantic purple portal.
Not how it's done: Starfire hits the ground face-first like a lawn dart. Owing to her tremendous durability, the ground takes more of a beating than her -- she's just left a faceprint in the floor. Prying herself up, Kory's first concern is: "Mend! Are you... relatively unharmed?"
Jacob follows the group suit, running and jumping through the rooftops. And he walks in, not through the window... but by /piercing a hole through the goddamn wall/! (Hey look, Deadpool! New window, with a sunroof!) And he's absolutely unphased by it, like it was just paper. He inspects the portal. "How is this deactivated?"
Deadpool's up a hair faster even than Noh-varr, and he's got a pair of automatic pistols trained on his face. "Nothing! She told me she was eighteen!" he declares. "Wait, what? No! Not my fault!"
Deadpool looks around their immediate surroundings, at the dozens of swarming panther demons and at least five of the huge bruisers that had been fighting She-hulk, armed and armored. And a classically demonic looking creature that looks like was right out of the Legend movie, clad in red robes.
"The Duke's vessel! Seize him!" the demon roars, pointing a claw at Deadpool. " Swiftly! Before he banishes us back to the nether realms!"
"Might not be your *fault*, Deadpool, but seems you have to fix it!" Mend, picking herself up. To Starfire, "I've been worse. Don't worry about me." And...they're about to be charged by demons. Crap. She's going to die again, she just knows it.
Kory pulls herself up just in time to see huge armored bruiser demons. She's a little rattled from the impact, still. "Find out what they're talking about and shut the portal," Starfire says to Mend, with an imperiousness that betrays her roots. "I'll handle the big ones." Starfire launches herself forward, and then puts on a dazzling display of an orange supermodel revealing how she was trained by the Warlords of Okaara to be a mistress of battle. Suffice it to say, things get loud and ugly, fast.
"New strategy", Jacob says. "I'll hold these so-called demons off, while you figure out a way stop this...", he points to the portal, "...thing." As the Tamaranean moves into attack position, Jacob can only be slightly impressed at her bravery and passion. He shapeshifts his hands again, into something like spiked hammerfists, which he bumps into one another loudly. Yes. It's going to get pretty ugly, pretty fast. For them.
The Kree snarls at Deadpool and starts laying down fire to keep the panther demons at bay, tracing an arc after them that takes his back to back with the mercenary while watching Kori engage the big ones. VORP VORP VORP.
Who is taken care of. Ditto what and where. Oh, right. "WHY!? (Not the same kind of) What possessed you to rip a hole between realities? And HOW the &^#$ do you propose to fix it?" VORP VORP VORP. One goes down, another is injured, a third manages to get a swipe in, drawing blood, before retreating. Damn they're fast. Hey look, it's a
Deadpool raspberries back at Noh-varr, defiantly. "Because I was bored! Not my fault! I was reading a book, and sounding out the words, and Bill left the summoning circle open! Not my fault! You can't leave stuff like that running when I'm around! He's a loose cannon!" Deadpool kicks a demon in the teeth and draws his katanas, turning into a whirling ginsu knife. "Quick, how do we shut it down? Anyone got any ideas? All I know is that old hack about is the portal closing spell I've got tucked in my pocket!"
"Then *try* it!" Mend yells...right before a tiger demon knocks her over. She pushes it off herself, but she's looking full on worse for wear at this point. Poor girl. Then again, given what she's capable of, better her than somebody else.
"You mean a formula entered into the skin of reality via audio waves?" Noh-varr falls backward, rolling underneath a charging panther and kicking it up and over onto one charging him from the rear. A massive club wielded by one of the colossi crunches down a hair from where he was standing, leaving a massive dimple of concentric cracks in the cement floor. Noh completes the roll and, without stopping, begins running up the club and the arm, shooting both guns repeatedly into the demon's face as he climbs, until it deforms and finally explodes. Others converge on him. "YES, TRY IT NOW!"
"ASK NICELY!" Deadpool shouts at Noh-varr, folding his arms stubbornly. "I don't like being yelled at!"
Jacob charges in, hitting two of those demons and knocking them backwards and against others charging in. He shapeshifts one of his arms into those sharp claws and nears the hooded guy. He goes as far as to threaten to cut him open by pointing his claws at his... uh, yup. Cut him open, or just rip them off. Something inside his chest growls as his features threaten to change. "Pleeeeeeeeeeeaase...?"
Mend doesn't answer. She's...rather busy. To be honest,if she hadn't spent so long working out with Nightwing, she wouldn't have a chance in this situation. But nope. No breath for asking Deadpool nicely right now...actually, it's quite amazing how much punishment this girl can take.
The alien bug dances beautifully between three clubs and the trees using them, but his desperation is increasing as their strikes get closer. "I CANNOT BELIEVE THA--" Ommmmmm. Sigh. "Please read the equation. Before we all di-." SMAKK. In mid-sentence Noh gets smashed from behind, driven down into the cement.
The lead demon laughs throatily at Jacob as he charges forward, and with a flick of his wrist, strikes Jacob with a telekinetic sledgeammer of force that has as much energy as a speeding volvo.
"See? Manners." Deadpool fishes calmly in his pockets, ignoring the raging battle around him, and produces a handful of receipts, a condom, some spare change, and a troll doll eraser. "Oh, let's see. Groceries... receipt for Playboy subscription... right, suits are done at the cleaners..." He finds it. "Ah! Here it is. Qu'aa lod emach el halla mek t'chal gok," Deadpool intones, his voice as resonant and dark as the demon leader's. He coughs violently, spilling black smoke across a fist. "Oh, wait, this is my receipt for Starbucks. I'm just reading it inside out."
The club pulls up from the floor, all the way up for another strike as the three demons bend in close to finish off Noh-varr. Only there's nothing there. Three fluorescent question marks flicker into existence above their heads as a swinging light shines across them, revealing a beaten and bloodied Noh clinging to the club. He leaps down onto the back of the head of the one carrying him, placing a hand on each temple. BRRZZZAAAAT!!! The Kree unloads his full bioelectric shock into the massive noggin, depleting his battery and liquifying the cranium. "Interdimensional invaders, this world is /mine/ to reshape. You may die now!"
And off another window, or rather, wall, Jacob goes! (Seriously, that was one turbo-packed Volvo!) He reaches the ground with a loud *THUNK!*, and for a second, it looks like it's the end of the road for him. Then, he gets up, and starts to realign himself. Shards of glass of his forearm... check... metal pylon off his kneecap... check... And then, the mending. Back in action, he just jumps back, producing yet another hole in the wall. This is followed by the subsequent gush of air as Jacob lashes out at the creature, both blades for arms.
"Right, right. I got this," Deadpool says, confidently. He finds another piece of paper. "M'jolrp!" he says once, somewhat decisively.
And just like that, they're gone. There's no epic swirling of demonic energies, no explosive decompression. The portal shuts off like a light switch. Just... poof. The demons vanish in barely a breath, swirling black smoke that vanishes into nothingness, and the echoes of the screams of the demons, and the groan of distressed steel. It's a bit unearthly after the caterwauling of the demonic horde. The big one is the last to go, fading out and then disintegrating into a swirling windcurrent of ash that Jacob smashes through to little effect. \
"Seriously, though. Not my fault!"
As the body beneath him vanishes, Noh drops to the ground. He holds himself up by one hand, the other clutching his broken ribs as he pants heavily. Face smeared with grease and Hala knows what else, bruised, bleeding. He stares at Deadpool with the not-the-opposite-of-Love. "I cannot seriously belie-" No. Nonononono. "*&#$ it. It's closed. I'm hungry. Is there a trash dumpster around?"